Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Running like a (sometimes sad) mom.

At 10 weeks postpartum I sat in the doctor’s office and sobbed (as if he hadn’t seen enough of “me” in the last few months).  Stuart held my hand and I bounced Lincoln on my knee as I told the doctor how sad I felt.  I told him how I felt so sad when I thought I should feel happy, I told him how I couldn’t sleep at night; even if Lincoln was asleep I would lay in bed staring at the ceiling, crying and wondering if I had made a terrible mistake.  I told him how I wish my life was the way it used to be, and how I wish I felt the way I used to feel.  My doctor brought me Kleenex and talked about the baby blues and postpartum depression, some things to help me sleep and than he said those famous words everyone had been saying to me for months “it will get better”.

But I hated those words and at the time I didn’t believe him (or any of you wonderful people who kept telling me that).  All I could see was cloud and I felt like I would be sad and sore forever.  It was at that appointment that even thought I didn't realize it at the time; the light at the end of the tunnel began to flicker (and no, not just from pills to help me sleep ☺) The doctor said that FINALLY after a rough delivery and rougher recovery I could begin to run again. 

The very first blog post I ever wrote about running (read it HERE) said that I once heard you can officially call yourself a runner once you run 5km.  I would argue that now having had some really bad runs that did not get near 5k over the last few years - I think when starting out if you even run a block you can call yourself a runner ☺. 
So today, 17 weeks after giving birth I  became a runner again and completed my first 5k run and it felt amazingly hard and amazingly wonderful.
As I try to navigate along this path called motherhood I found myself feeling like who I was had disappeared.  I no longer was a full-time working woman, I was at home with the baby alone most of the time (lonely mothers read THIS) and I no longer had a quiet home with just a husband and a dog like I did for the last 10 years.  All of a sudden there was a little person here demanding every moment of my day (and night lol) - I deeply grieved my old life and a large part of that was running.
I was never a super fast or super good runner - but it was my "thing".  After a long week of work or just life I could depend on an early Saturday morning long run to clear my head but all of a sudden (not like I didn't have 8 months warning :P) my long runs disappeared into pain pills, cluster feeds and diapers.  I missed running desperately so when the doctor (FINALLY) gave me the go ahead at that appointment I felt like I could gain this little piece of me back.
My 5k today was slow, there was walk breaks where there did not used to be, there was adjustments to the stroller, the blanket (I believe I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with Aden and Anais) there was pauses to pick up Sophie but there was wonderful blessings in the run as well.  The man that said I must be getting a "real good workout" pushing that stroller (without even seeing the 18 pound 4-month old inside!), the coo's and giggles Lincoln sent my way; which I am sure in baby language meant "Good pace mom" and "Don't quit now", the sunshine, the music (The Rock Won't Move) and the feeling of hitting the 5k mark.

I feel like the sunshine is coming back into my life these days.  After a rough few months I am beginning to count more good days than bad.  It did (and continues to) take time just as everyone said it would.  The dark clouds of sleepless nights are starting to be replaced with sunny mornings and even the occasional afternoon nap.  I have only made it through these last few months by the grace of God, family, Stuart, friends and my mother saving me, what feels like daily (and essentially letting me move back home after 13 years ☺).  This motherhood thing is hard, harder than I ever imagined and can seem lonely, discouraging and trying at times - but to be able to look down at Lincoln smiling back at me on our runs is starting to make everything seem a little brighter. 
Date: August 13/2014
Distance: 5K :)
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1 comment:

  1. Oh friend, thank you so much for sharing your heart and experiences. I admire your vulnerability and treasure your story. I am praying for you!