Thursday, 31 December 2015

New Year's Eve Big Mac's

No one has ever told me I suck at being a mom, no one has said "Gosh; you really blow at this whole 'mom' thing - you should probably try a new hobby".  Nobody has suggested I give my son up for adoption and stick with just cats (though there was that one lady who side-eyed me when I was wrestling my screaming toddler into his car seat last week.....) but in my short motherhood experience, no one has told me I am not a good enough mother.

Yet I have felt inadequate as a mother since the day my son was born. 

Definition of [Inadequate]:
"Lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose"

Something, somewhere along the lines told me that I wasn't good enough as a mom, especially as a mom to my boy.  There is a little nagging voice inside my head that tells me this wasn't a good decision, that I will never be adequate enough for this job - and though I believe I know where that voice comes from (1 Pet 5:8  - "He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour") it is much easier to acknowledge it than to ignore it.

This isn't a new feeling, it is like a returning dull ache from a crooked spine.  I have felt inadequate in my marriage, in my ministries, at work, as a runner, as a friend...and I am sure the list could continue on.

I feel inadequate in all different areas of my life, and yet I still do them.  I still continue mothering, caring and teaching my son even when I feel insufficient.  I stay married (for almost 12 years!) even when I feel like he could find someone better.  I still continuing running, even when I feel too slow, or not as good as other runners (I actually did a really strong 15km run last week) I still go to the gym, even when the weights I am lifting are lighter than the girl next to me, and her hair looks good and she has a cute outfit on; while I look like I was just hit by a bus, and my Old Navy tank top is starting to fade.  I still do these tasks even though I feel I lack the quality or quantity to complete them because:

And just like it's easier to acknowledge the negativity than ignore it; I need to make daily conscious choice to be reminded of the Truth,  I need to remind myself over and over to believe the TRUTH spoken over me instead of the lies ("over fear, over lies we're singing the truth") - and thinking about changing my mindset excites me to think of the possibilities that would bring to this new year.

Because deep down I know the truth, I know how life would be different if I believed I truly am a good mother, and the most perfect match for my little man.  I know how running would feel, if I believed without a doubt I could accomplish the goals I have set for this year.  I know what a difference I would feel in my ministries, my marriage, my friendships if I stopped letting the feelings of inadequacies rule and instead believed the truth. 

"All these pieces, broken and scattered - in mercy gathered, mended and whole - empty handed, but not forsaken - I've been set free, I've been set free"

Stuart and I ate Big Mac's last night, alone in a back corner booth of McDonalds - our big New Year's Eve date night! We were child-free, and couldn't remember the last time we ate McDonalds (though now I remember why I try to steer clear) so that is how we spent the last hours of 2015.

We watched the crowds of people (seriously, who knew it would be so busy?) and we talked about the last year.  We talked about our 'highs' and 'lows', about the things we wished had turned out (or are still hoping will turn out) differently, we talked about our mistakes and our regrets but we also talked about the glorious moments, the laughter, the right decisions we made, the adventures we had and the ones we are looking forward to still.  We talked about the challenges this year will bring, the choices we will have to make, the trips we have planned and the ones we just dream about.

There is so much more to come, but if I chose to let myself live life amidst all these feelings of inadequacies, I will miss it all - I will miss the experiences, the joy, the tears, the laughter, the relationships and the life truly set out for me. 
If I chose to stay here where I am, I will miss out on life.

Friends, there is more to this life than what we are allowing ourselves...there is more to discover, create and conquer - if we chose to believe the Truth, over the lies.

Happy New Year,

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