If I knew how to add an emoji into a blog I would add the mad face one, because that is how I felt.
Ever since this tiny human entered our lives, a plethora of germs seems to have followed. Hubby and I have agreed that we have both never had so many colds, stomach bugs and fevers since our little baby became a walking, touching toddler. Just last week we were discussing the vast array of sickness' we have weathered this winter and we turned to see our handsome little man licking the bottom of his shoes. *Sigh* There are not enough essential oils in the world to diffuse those germs away.
I have the goal of 3 gym days and 1 road run per week and even though this week we had freakishly warm weather (thunderstorm last night - seriously.) I only made it to the gym twice. Reasons, oh there are reasons as to why this week was such a lull - the main one being the cold and stomach bug that resided in my home for the last few days. And when my toddler is sick apparently they don't want him in the childcare room at the gym (cue me at the PlayZone door begging to be let in) so that meant we stayed home.
And we watched cartoons (more than I want him to watch in a day) and we ate Jello-O. So tonight, now that he is feeling better, you would think I would have been filled with joy to re-enter the gym. But no, instead I felt guilty, and disgraced and that I should punish myself for missing so much sweat time this week. I made myself push harder than normal, increase my weights more than normal and leave it all there on the elliptical.
The punishment came in the form of a squat, forcing myself to hold the squat position while using the elliptical machine until my legs burned - and that's when I realized it:
I am not very good at grace.
Oddly enough the realization surprised me - for I preach grace often. To my friends, my family, my colleagues, my clients and my son. Yet when I need to apply it in my own life, I tend to shy away.
I don't believe the words I preach, and I wonder tonight, how it is truly effecting my life. How many memories am I missing out on because I am punishing my self instead of showing myself grace? How many missed moments? How many times of joy am I not allowing myself to embrace because of something so silly as a missed workout?
New moms tend to ask me for advice often, and I find that very bizarre considering I have only managed to keep one tiny human alive so far while so many of my dear friends keep multiple tiny humans alive all at once!
But alas, I am often asked for "new mom" advice and I would like to think it is because I try, oh Lord I try; to be authentic with my answers and my advice. And my #1 advice to a new mom is to "Give Yourself Grace" - in every aspect of your day. Give yourself grace for wearing pyjamas for months, for sleeping on the couch, on the floor, in the tub - for crying during supper for no reason and for missing your old life. Give yourself grace mama, because you deserve it.
I believe it as well, when I tell those new moms, or tell my friends to give themselves grace, I truly, madly, deeply mean it- Now I just need to mean it for myself; "Give Yourself Grace Barclee" - it is OK that you watched cartoons with your son instead of logging km's this week, it is OK that you forgot to send that card to her, it is OK that your deal didn't go through at work, that you didn't finish painting the trim tonight and it is OK that you will wear your hair in a ponytail again tomorrow.
Because life is more than those things, grace is more than that - yes, grace is greater than those things.
His Grace has saved us; we do not need to keep punishing ourselves, for our sins, for our misdeeds, our missed opportunities, our mistakes - we do not need to punish ourselves. We do not need to punish ourselves. We do not need to punish ourselves, for not stopping that tantrum quickly enough, for not waking immediately without hitting snooze twice, for eating that doughnut, for ignoring the phone to have a bath or for the time your beautiful daughter ate gum off the floor of Wal-Mart ;) We are saved from an eternity of squats on the elliptical machine.
"For it is by Grace you have been saved...."
Saved, sister's, daughter's.
We are saved.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me......like me,